90210 ep 5: Wide Awake and Dreaming

Full recap within…

Ok, so I didn’t take any notes last night because I wasn’t planning to do a full recap because, frankly, the two episodes before this one sucked total ass and weren’t really worth spending that much time on. Just to punish me for that, the show was actually GOOD this week, with plot and drama and non-horrendous clothing, for the most part. So, here we go, based solely on my memory…

First, the “previously on 90210″s always start with the same clip of mama and papa talking about how LA has palm trees and … more palm trees. For the last time, we are not fucking retarded and are aware of where this show is set. You handily built it in to the title in case we forgot. Please stop showing off how in LA you guys are. We get it.

So OMG its almost time for the big show! And rehearsals are proceeding, although Silver is kind of a hands-off and bitchy stage manager so the light cues are all wrong and the light board guy takes off. But it’s ok because Dixon the magical black man of course can operate a light board perfectly and no it does not at all conflict with his job at the Peach Pit that he may or may not still have because he doesn’t go there and nobody mentions it the whole episode. I bet Nat won’t mind, though.

Other developments in the play seem to be a rapidly increasing romance between Annie and Ty, who of course plays the male lead in the play. Papa catches them in an intense makeout session backstage and Annie of course freaks out in shame and humiliation. Papa can’t bear the thought of his little girl getting intimate with someone and gets all worried about needing to have the big sex talk with her. When Papa talks about this to Mama, though, she thinks this is a special conversation that should be between a girl and her mother and offers to take it on. I sigh as I realize this episode will have a disproportionate amount of parental talking in it, and still no Jessica Walter. How much cooler would the sex talk have been if Tabitha did it? I’m sure she would have had tips on lingerie and how to drink enough but not too much and how to say dirty things in bed. Unfortunately the sex talk comes from Mama and she’s not all that skilled at it and Annie gets super embarassed and just runs away.

Here is a question – Annie showed up to BevHills all skinny and tan and wearing the right clothes and looking like everyone else. I assume this means this is how she looked and dressed back in Kansas, where the malls suck but you can still order things on the internet. Are we supposed to believe she developed this sexual appetite out of nowhere? Cause I’m not buying it. Here in LA, kids are always running around to concerts at Spaceland and the pier and bowling alleys and beach houses and after parties at fancy hotels. In Kansas, however, all there is to do is sit around and drink. You think the kids in Kansas aren’t getting up to trouble in their parents’ basements? Especially frisky girls like Annie in their tiny dresses and emaciated frames. Every football player in town wanted to hit that, I’m sure. And she had a serious boyfriend back there, too. So why is this the first time the sex talk is coming up? If Dixon’s been carrying a condom in his wallet for 4 years, that implies they’ve been aware of sex and such for at least that long. Anyway, I thought the parental freaking out was pretty silly.

Also, no young girl with a wholesome family tries to give it up to a random guy unless she’s deluded herself into thinking they’re in love and things are going to last forever. When Brenda and Dylan went up to the hotel room for the Spring Dance, Brenda thought they were truly madly deeply in love and were going to be together until the end of time (and they would have been if not for that meddling Kelly).Even if Annie was all pining over Ethan and wanted to get with him but thought she never will because of – why? Oh yeah, THE BUBBLE – that would not have motivated her to give up her virginity to someone else. You have to wait until girls get to college to find bright thinking like that. (Ahem. Not that I know anything about that.)

ANYWAY.

It is the night of the show and ohmigod so exciting but where is Pillface, the ostensible star even though we have never seen her at any of the rehearsals because of her exciting acting career? Well, Mama Pillface, who is super pressuring Pillface into a career as an actress, has invited tons of agents and producers and whatever to the show, and again, WHATEVER, I’m so sure Mr. Agent is taking time to go to West Beverly to see a high school production. This has freaked Pillface out to an extreme level so she has pilled it up, we are led to believe. Pillface on pills is a bit bloated, sweaty, and has bags under her eyes. She seems slightly off but is not trying to grope strangers (Andy Dick), does not believe she is an alien (Anne Heche) and generally fails to impress me with her intoxication level. Brenda, on the other hand, will not stand for this shit and pulls Pillface from the role. Brenda is wearing a really pretty strapless dress with a rose print and sweetheart neckline but insists on keeping her hands in her pocket to ruin the line of the dress and make her hips look as large as possible. Curious choice, Bren. Especially when you are standing next to Silver, dressed all in black and looking skinny as a fucking twig. Seriously, are those thighs or does she have arms instead of legs??

So Annie gets to play the lead and if anyone is surprised, you should really just stop watching television and stare at the wall for a while and I bet you will be surprised by what the wall has to offer. Annie freaks out but is up to the challenge and we see part of the production and it doesn’t seem like a show that I’m all that interested in if everyone has to wear faux 18th century costumes with tons of muslin and ruffles on it. But I am not a Brenda-level director, so I leave it to her discretion. The show is a total success even if Annie can’t stop dreaming out on Ty during it, and everyone cheers and hurrah and we’re so proud of our little girl!!!

Mama Pillface, on the other hand – not so proud of her little girl. Even when Kelly shrilly prounounces Pillface to be a drug addict or something, Mama Pillface is Not Hearing It and will undoubtedly continue to put unreasonable pressure on her daughter. Which – good. Pillface all pilled up is the only interesting character who is actually creating drama and if Mama Pillface being a bitch keeps her that way, all the better.

Then everyone is running around the school before the afterparty. Ty got a hotel room for him and Annie at the Roosevelt Hotel where the after party will be! Our little girl is totally growing up! And wearing the shortest fucking black dress I have ever seen in my life. (Mama and Papa? If you are really concerned about the sex talk and all that, perhaps you should start by ensuring that Annie’s clothing covers her cootchie? Just a suggestion.) And Annie is all sad about Ethan and THE BUBBLE so she is Ready to Do This. She bums a condom from Dixon totally uncomfortably and I couldn’t help but imagine what that conversation would have been like between Brandon and Brenda and it would have involved Brandon saying “Bren – things are just so different here” and would have been more touching than this.

Ethan sees Annie and Ty making out in the hall and you can tell he is torn between this beautiful creature who is so dramatic and in plays and the GIRL IN THE BUBBLE (who, btw, didn’t show up for the show because of some bullshit with her parents that I cannot be bothered to recap. They’re getting a divorce – there, you’re caught up.) He does not seem to mind that Annie is still wearing muslin ruffles. I would mind.

And we’re off to the after party! No way these kids are getting in there while being under 21, but whatever. And every time I’m there (it’s maybe 2 blocks from my house and it makes me upset that 90210 was RIGHT THERE and I didn’t go down and see it), I think how low class those hotel rooms are that overlook the pool, because people party at the pool until really late at night and you get no view and no privacy. Real people stay in the tower, fyi. And nobody swims in the pool at the parties.

Here is where things really started picking up, though, because Pillface goes into Ty’s room and ascertains that Annie is on the way and you can see her stoned little mind start scheming up an evil plan. THIS IS WHY WE NEED BITCHY CHARACTERS ON THE SHOW. Naomi was ostensibly the bitch, but she’s had way more redemption time than bitchy time and I don’t believe her at all as an evil character. Pillface, though, does not give a shit about you or your feelings, especially when she’s all pilly, and she will do whatever she has to – lie cheat steal – to get what she wants. LOVE IT. So she tells Ty that she saw Annie and Ethan making out back at the high school. I LOVE IT WHEN PEOPLE LIE.

Annie takes her teeny tiny micro dress up to the room only to have Pillface open the door, wrapped in a towel. I cheered when that happened. We can hear the shower running in the background as Pillface charmingly and duplicitly pretends that Ty invited her there and must have invited Annie there too because Ty is a slut and likes to get around. Annie’s face falls and she totally buys it and runs out all panicked and teary and – runs smack into Ethan and Naomi. Naomi, once and for all establishing herself as NOT A BITCH, is all concerned and asks Annie what’s wrong. (Sigh.) Annie inexplicably TELLS THEM that she was going to give up her virginity to Ty, like how embarassing to admit that to THE BUBBLE TWINS. Annie goes home and sobs and sobs because LA is not all its cracked up to be.

Also, Dixon and Silver finally get it on as she just straight up smooches him and they roll around on the loungy chairs in the pool area which sounds quite lovely, actually. And Silver is wearing a black tunic and leopard leggings and little silver booties which make up the best outfit on the show to date. High five, Dixon!

Next week: let’s hope Pillface keeps on pillin’ and someone lies to someone else about matters of the heart. Then we might actually have a tv show!