90210 ep 3: Lucky Strike

in this episode: Wilson family demonstrates their strong midwestern values to the envy of hollywood folk; Jessie Spano’s inner pain is revealed before we even have established her as a megabitch; Silver is a wuss and can’t handle some mild Jackie Taylor behavior; and Brenda doesn’t even show up.

Full recap after the jump…

The episode opens on breakfast chaos in the Wilson household. (I will learn to call them Wilson, not Walsh, at some point in the series, I’m sure.) Lori Laughlin, who is at best one quarter as cool as Cindy Walsh was, is all bereft and empty because her children and husband are so busy settling into Beverly Hills and she has nothing, not even the silly charity events trophy wives usually get to do. So she comes up with the great idea of family bowling night! On Friday night! Which they apparently used to do every Friday night back in Wichita, because that is the heartland. Too bad that Annie and Dixon both made Friday night plans with their friends at school in a scene showing us that the cafeteria is filled with Caper chairs by Herman Miller that cost at least $500 each. Memo to set dresser: this is supposed to be a public school.

I am immediately reminded of the classic episode of another Spelling production, 7th Heaven, when Reverend Camden found out he had a big bad heart problem and he wanted to spend time with his family so he made them all go bowling even though nobody wanted to. This kind of plot is excusable for a show as trite and contrived as 7th Heaven, but you’d think 90210 would be able to avoid it for longer than the third episode. This does not bode well.

The actual rich people, Jessie Spano (I think her name on the show is actually Naomi but she looks so exactly like Elizabeth Berkeley that I can’t handle it) and Ethan, have a brittle, plastic chat at the lockers in which Jessie conveys that she is not at all affected by the breakup because her FATHER is taking her to VEGAS and it is going to be AWESOME because Coldplay will be there.

And then I black out with rage because they show Silver going to some door marked “Women’s Shelter” like a) spoiled rich girls unhappy with their families should not be taking up shelter space in a town where 10,000 actually homeless teenagers sleep on the street every night, and b) the point of a women’s shelter is to be confidential to protect women from their abusers, so I’m sure they’d paint the sign on the door all obvious like, and c) 90210, I don’t care if you take on teenage substance abuse, cults, love triangles, whatev, but stay out of actual social issues.

CREDITS

When we’re back from credits, thank God the lady at the shelter is telling Silver she can’t stay there because, um, actual homeless people need the space (and the idea that there’s a homeless shelter in LA that would ever have space for a spoiled rich girl is laughable).

The Wilson kids, having learned of parental bowling night mandate, rearrange their plans to have their friends meet them at the bowling alley. Which is where this whole episode totally fell apart for me. If you are a teenager and mortified by your parents, why would you invite your friends to come see you interact with said parents? You would not. You would try to sneak out early, or make up an emergency, but never, NEVER, let your friends see you WITH your parents. Anyway, drama guy with a jet is coming to meet Annie (I hate that stupid name almost as much as I hate the stupid character) and Navid and Silver are coming to see Dixon.

Also, teacher boy tells Kelly that he works with kids in juvie along with being a teacher. AS IF. Silver doesn’t want Kelly to date him because “school’s hard enough as it is without my sister banging the teacher.” Daring language, there, 90210!!!

To wash our brains of that we cut back to school, where Jessie is rocking some sort of denim jumper with short shorts and unbuttoned cleavage, a neck scarf, and poufy curls, making herself look like country-western hooker Barbie. The costume people on this show could take a whole undergraduate degree worth of lessons from the Gossip Girl people – these girls look like trash. In a twist shocking to nobody who has ever seen tv before, dad can’t make it on the Vegas trip (so no Coldplay special guesting), but he’s made up for it by buying Jessie and her mom matching Mercedes’. You will be unsurprised to learn that Jessie is unmollified by this gift because her love cannot be bought and she is lonely though rich, and we fade to commercial on her sad little rich girl face.

So let’s pause a minute to discuss the centerpiece of this episode – the Lucky Strike bowling alley. It is contained in a mall that was built to revitalize (read: Disney-fy, as was done to Times Square) Hollywood, which had become a bit dirty and homeless-y. The mall is visited solely by tourists who can’t wait to visit the California Pizza Kitchen, Build-A-Bear, and the Tollhouse Cookie store. It is adorned by giant plaster elephants and is considered to be an architectural disaster and eyesore. It is the polar opposite of cool, trendy, or interesting. It’s not even uncool enough to be kitchy cool.

So this anti-hotspot is where everyone is hanging out! Silver shows up and totally gloms on to the Wilson family and is thrilled to be included in their Midwestern warmth. Heads up – WE ALREADY SAW THIS EPISODE when it was called “Perfect Mom” and Brenda was jealous because Kelly’s mom was so cool and Carol was so lame and Minnesotan, but then appreciated her mom when she found out Kelly’s mom Jackie was a drunk cokehead. You’d think the new writers could get more than 3 episodes in without recycling previous episodes. They try to distract us by putting Silver in an outfit that is blindingly ugly to the point where adding bowling shoes may actually improve it.

Everyone’s friends show up and start bowling with the family and there’s a montage that really shows us that BOWLING = TEH FUN. Apparently these decadent kids in their Hollywood Babylon are really just aching for some red state heartwarming old fashioned family time. Good job on subtle theme exposition, show.
While having the good old fun, Ethan and Annie continue to flirt, including the awesomely bad come on, “so, do you, like, wanna get some air or somethin’?” Ethan starts to talk about his inner sadness about not having a red state family, but then blows it off by saying he’ll “save the emotional goodness for his audition for the Hills” and claims he could be the “next Spencer.” You may now die, Ethan. Drama boy shows up and catches them being flirty-faces.

Kelly and teacher are on a date and nothing is interesting except for the confirmation that the father of Kelly’s child is someone she “had history with” in high school, like, way to narrow it down for us, Kelly, you slept with EVERYONE in high school.

Jessie and Pillface are riding around in her new Mercedes and thank goodness, Jessie has changed her clothes and hair so I can again look at her without flinching. Pillface learns from her sidekick that all the kids are hanging at Lucky Strike and Jessie agrees they should stop by, like what planet is this that the bitchy cool queen bee girl would even consider that a possibility? God. But she has to go stop by her dad’s office first to bring him some food and if you are thinking that you have also seen this episode when it was called “Things to Do on a Rainy Day” and Donna caught Felice at the Bel Aire Hotel with another man when they went to go see Color Me Badd – you are right. Dad is making out with some other lady. Oooh am I surprised. Except the opposite of that.

We’re back at Lucky Strike, the place to be, and after a quick conversation about how cool Chris Brown is – way to hit those cultural touchstones, show – the parents are letting the kids go off with their friends because they know what’s up and are cool like that, except mom is really hollow and empty inside because her family doesn’t bowl together anymore. As the kids are heading out, Pillface runs in all frantic and grabs Ethan to come help Jessie who is having a meltdown because she is the only one surprised by her father’s infidelity. Ethan runs off and FOR NO REASON AT ALL Annie is like “I have to go help too” like what is she going to do to help a girl who doesn’t like her deal with a private and potentially embarrassing family issue? Good plan. She goes outside and her contribution is to make moony eyes at Ethan while he takes Jessie off. This does allow Annie’s date to ditch her, though, so plot furtherance achieved! (And geographic confusion achieved, too – why Jessie would drive from Malibu to Hollywood while melting down and why Annie’s date would stop by Hollywood in between Beverly Hills and Santa Monica makes no sense at all.)

Kelly and teacher talk in what appears to be a vintage truck and they are so boring. They are trying to drop interesting hints about teacher’s past but I do not care and am using this time to wonder where the hell Brenda is in this episode.

The Wilson kids return to Casa Wilson and are told by their ultra-cool parents that they have to do their chores! Because kids need and secretly love/crave discipline and structure! They seem uncool but wholesomeness is really cool! Silver takes off and goes to sleep in the back of Dixon’s car in the driveway. Dixon discovers her as he takes out the trash doing his character-building chores as we go to commercial.

As we come back from commercial, Dixon and Silver are discussing why she has psychotically broken into his car in order to sleep, Emily Valentine style. No, actually, Silver has started crying and is talking about how bad Jackie is and how SHE DRINKS and I’m bored, get back to me when she’s back on the coke. “She’s so out of control, you don’t know what she’s going to do!” Silver trauma-whispers. I know what she’s going to do – go to the mother daughter fashion show and make a fool of herself in front of the audience. Not so scary! Not worth sleeping in a car for!

Anyway, Dixon, in true Walsh fashion, wants to run straight inside and tell his daddy. Silver is resistant (because having a drunk mother is still shameful in this day and age? I don’t know) until Dixon breaks out his damaged past from pre-Walsh days, all “don’t you think I KNOW???” and they bond over their hatred of drugs and their commitment to not do them. I wonder how Tristan Wildes feels about the treatment of parental drug addiction in this show after doing two seasons of the Wire as a junior high kid with a mom who was an addict. My guess: he doesn’t feel that good. His sad story convinces Silver to come inside and have mugs of tea with the entire Walsh family, who agree to take her in until this is all worked out. (You may remember this plot point from when the Walsh family had Dylan move in with them after his father got exploded.)

We then go to the beach house of Jessie Spano and family, which appears to be right on the beach next to the boardwalk, where all the hippies and tourists and homeless youth who are actually homeless can see right into your living room. It seems an odd place for this ridiculously rich family to live, like, where’s your Carbon Beach villa? I don’t get it. Jessie is trying to tell her mom about dad kissing that other lady, but I am so distracted by Jessie’s outfit that I can barely catch a word. She is wearing, I swear to God, WHITE SATIN BLOOMERS paired with a cream silk sleeveless turtleneck top that looks like it has tons of pieces of silk toilet paper glued to the front. THIS IS AWFUL. Between my screams of terror, I believe mom reveals she already knew about the affair. We go to commercial on Jessie’s blouse of evil.

When we come back, Jessie has inexplicably failed to change her clothes. She can’t believe mom knows about the affair but doesn’t want a divorce because of the houses and the children and blah blah. “Mom, what kind of life is this?” “One I don’t want to lose.” And… character defined! Still not as cool as Jackie Taylor.

And speaking of Jackie Taylor, the one the only the original, here she is!! She is looking pretty well, honestly, although the show has glued a glass of scotch to her hand and made her somewhat self-absorbed. How is this worse than Wilson family grandma who spills scotch on her laptop and gets in accidents while driving? That’s played for humor while this is played for EXTREME DRAMA. Unclear. Kelly is trying to berate her mom but Jennie Garth appears to have forgotten how to stand, or move her arms, or speak these kinds of lines. This becomes even more evident when Silver comes in and carries it off fairly well, all while being approximately one quarter of Jenny Garth’s total body mass. Anyway, Jennie takes Silver to come live with her and they both storm on out. More Jackie please!! And where is Mel, btw? And why has nobody mentioned David? This semi-integration of the previous show confuses me.

We wrap up with a montage: Ethan texts Annie because he wants her to be the Heidi to his Spencer (barf); things look good at the Spano home but we know from Jessie’s sad eyes what lurks beneath the surface; Kelly and Silver and child spend precious family time together. And then Annie and Dixon have made breakfast for their parents and start planning the next family night out because they are the only good true and complete family on the show due to their Midwestern roots. One more question – where the hell was Brenda?!?